Thursday, April 12, 2012

Shitty fans and fecal tributaries... it's not all shits and giggles!

It's not all shits and giggles. Sometimes it's just shit. And I don't like pretending that it's always perfect around here. I'm sorry if I have disappeared the last few weeks. It seems like it's been one thing after another of shit hitting the fan!



I'm not a winter girl... hate every single moment of below 60 degree weather. So with springs early arrival this year I expected to be swimming in glee but I seem to be swimming in a sea of funk instead.

  • Kids are sick: Overhand throw some shit right at every plan I had. 
  • Weight loss plans at a stand still: toss some shit in the general direction of the scale/fan.
  • Kitchen renovation is stalled: Windmill pitch some shit at the husband/fan. 
  • Period came two weeks early:  A hormonal girly underhand throw of the shit at everyone.
  • Lost a friend to a life complication: Dump-truck full pile of shit aimed at my heart.

I do my best to use humor to alleviate my woes, to find a moment of light in the day to make me smile. And if the humor doesn't work I grab my neighbor and open a bottle of red. And if that doesn't work I rip open a candy bar/slice off a big wedge of cake/crawl under my daughters bed to get the piece of chocolate I spotted when vacuuming. I'm not proud. Its chocolate. And it's calling my name.

But none of it is working the last few weeks. The insomnia? Don't even ask. It's an added weight on my brain. I think I've gotten two full nights of sleep out of the last 30!

So today I gave up trying to be super woman (I fail every day!) and I cracked instead. I let it all out: a tear for every time my youngest daughter has whined this week, a tear for every sarcastic thing my teenage son has hurled my way, a tear for every piece of clothing/toy/food that has been left out for me to pick up, a tear for every sleepless night, a tear for every time my husband says he'll be home early, a tear for the older reflection in the mirror mocking me. You know what I found out? The tears don't work either.

So I'm going back to humor. After I clean up all the shit.

When I was about 10 I heard this line that I never forgot: You're ascending a fecal tributary without any physical means of liquid displacement or transportation propulsion devices. Translation: you're up shits creek without a paddle! Next time you want to sound intelligent when you're crying in your wine, that is my gift to you!


In the meantime, I have some strategies for you that normally work for me when I find my way up shits creek with a fan:

  1. Bring a friend for the journey. A good friend. Because shits creek is shorter when traveling with others... and friends have paddles that get you home.
  2. Steer clear of others up shits creek. If they're regulars up shits creek they like to keep you up there with them. It's better to find someone on happy ground... who has chocolate... or a hug.
  3. Getting your period simulates the shits creek ride, so give it a day or two to figure out which ride you're on. The hormonal one will end soon!
  4. Be careful the shits creek ride doesn't pull in the rest of your family. Let them pull you out, don't pull them in.
  5. Add a detour to your shits creek ride. I like my detour to be a hike in the woods or an hour and a half massage or amazing sex or time with a friend. Usually when I go to get back on the shits creek ride it has sailed without me.
  6. Treat shits creek like "Who Wants to be a Millionaire": phone a friend, use a 50/50 to eliminate the bad ideas, or ask an expert if you've been up shits creek too long. Coincidence that those things are called "lifelines" on the show???
  7. Whatever you do, don't jump ship. There's a better path at the end of shits creek, sometimes you just have to travel through the crap to get there. Thinking you can end it early just puts a whole bunch of people you love up shits creek instead.
I hope my shitty story helps any of you traveling down the same murky waters. We're all in this together!

xo

2 comments:

  1. Susan, I am so sorry to hear about your friend, and your recent trip up the peverbial creek. You have a great attitude and sense of humor, it will serve you well and if you need more than that there is always the red wine

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you Pam! It wasn't the red wine tonight that made it a little better... it was a half dozen Kir Royales with the neighbors! lol

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