Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Do you do the tanning bed dance?

I'm trying to remedy the white part of the lethal beach equation:

Extreme whiteness + extreme sun = multi-layered purple blisters

So I went to a tanning salon to get my tan on. Vacation on a beach is in a month and some of you may think that's plenty of time to get a tan in, but when you're descended from the McPale's and De Blanc's you have to think ahead. Plus, I haven't been on a vacation in 4 years so I'm translucent and really should have started tanning at the salon some 17 months ago.


So I started tanning this week and as I was lying in the bed with my goggles on relaxing in the warmth I almost forgot about the dance. The dance! Do you do the dance? If your people are descended from anywhere below 44° North latitude you probably don't have a clue what I'm talking about and I spit on you! Ptooie! You people who naturally tan drive the rest of us to an envious rage. Your perfect bronzed skin sucks up 3 minutes of cloud and you walk away glowing gold perfection. The McPale clan needs months of prep time... and a dance!

You see, if I just lie there in that plastic bed, and God forbid I fall asleep, I will be left with skunk stripes down my body from where the bulbs were and weren't underneath me (in my case they're more like red candy cane stripes from more than 8 minutes of UV in one spot!). It's like my white skin refuses to give up its paleness and will only be pulled into beige if confronted with bulb-to-skin directly. And the sides of my body? There's not a chance they will see a drop of darkened melatonin from that untraviolet light just lying there. I could lie in that bed for weeks and leave for vacation looking like an Oreo with white filling down the middle.

Enter "the dance"...

I do a dance. I even time it to the club music playing at the salon. (It's at this point that I insist you listen to and even watch LMFAO's Sexy and I know It). Here are my Tan Dance 101 moves: One song finishes and I switch from my back onto my left side with my right knee up near my stomach to make sure my thighs are getting color and my right arm goes overhead to make sure my pit gets some color. And then I do little adjustments during the song so I don't stay in any one spot for too long. Next song... I switch from my left side to my right side and move my left leg up to my stomach and my left arm overhead.... and dance. Flip to my stomach and shift my face from side to side. Flip to my back.

Enter Tan Dance 201: advanced moves.

There's a very good reason you should study Tan Dance 201. Do you ever see someone bend over at the beach and notice the white banana lines under their ass cheeks? Yeah. They didn't learn the advanced moves. First lesson: you have to lift your ass cheeks up with your hands before pancaking them onto the acrylic tanning bed. BUT... you have to time this carefully because depending on your individual ratio of ass cheek meat to back meat you may be left with a crease along your lower back where the pancaked ass meat has been moved to! (Bet you didn't know we would be doing math!) This is where leg lifts come in. One leg at a time do the hokey pokey and lift your knee and lower leg up to the top part of the tanning bed and leave it hanging there in the air. Then switch! No banana lines! And..... AND... you got a workout!

Don't say you never learned anything on my blog!

By the way, there's a completely different banana-free ass dance for stand up beds! It involves turnpiking. You'll need to hang around for Tan Dance 301 to learn that! Course material requirements: Season 4 of The Jersey Shore!




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