Friday, February 24, 2012

Bigger is always better! 9 1/2 carats should do it!

When I get pissed at my husband I do drastic things. I shop... hardcore. I know it's childish. And I know there are more constructive solutions but this is my thing. Now, I'll set the record straight and say I am NOT genetically a shopper. I did not inherit that gene. My mother did not inherit that gene either so I am confounded as to how my daughters have that gene. ( I blame the XY set of genes in their lives). Nor do I hardcore shop for minor offenses. He doesn't take out the garbage, I really don't care, I'm a big girl. He comes home 4 hours late from work, I don't care. He watches me run around like a chicken with its head chopped off with all the house and kid responsibilities while he sits on a couch watching man TV, I don't care (well, he gets the evil eye and I may kick him in his sleep but it's not going to get me out the door shopping).

So what gets me out shopping? Valentines Day 2011. He handed me a card that was not filled out, not in its envelope, still inside the CVS bag and said "Happy Valentines Day" as he ran off to work. I'm not even a celebrator of Valentines Day other than to make a nice meal and give a card and maybe some candy..... but this????? No, this was too much. I'll forgive you if your romance meter is set at 3 but this was a negative number that didn't even make it onto the meter. Teach a lesson? I went shopping!

Here's where I probably lose most of you. I don't buy clothes. I don't buy shoes. I don't buy jewelry. Nope. I go where everybody knows my name: Williams Sonoma. I walk in the door and they literally ask me what he has done now!!! I list the offense and they'll look at my purchase and decide if its  It's a very nice relationship. The Valentines offense? It cost the man this:
Le Creuset Signature Oval Dutch Oven

It's 9 1/2 carats of cast iron love. Okay, its 9 1/2 QUARTS of cast iron love! Same thing! Hey, what can I tell you? It's my form of jewelry! He buys tools. I buy kitchen jewelry!

It's this very pot that came up in conversation today when I discovered it missing from its rightful place under the lights of my stove, sparkling like an obnoxious diamond ring. I looked everywhere in the kitchen for it. Not to be found. Searched the still packed-up dining room (we're under perpetual construction in our house, husband is a contractor so you know what they say about the shoemakers son!) Searched the living room. Searched the pantry. Bupkis! So I turned my glaring eyes at the one person who could be the culprit and asked him point blank, "Where did you put my pot?" He has a habit of moving things and never recalling where he puts them. My little ones winter coat was bothering him hanging on the coat rack in the spring so he put it away and we didn't find it again for three years until we organized our attic last summer. The attic!

Is that where my pot was?

He looked at me like I had three heads and said he didn't put it anywhere. I got closer. And repeated the question: "Where is my jewelry? The big Le Creuset???" This man had the balls to proclaim his innocence. He recalled putting it on the bottom shelf in the cabinet. IT DOESN'T FIT THERE. It's too damn big. It's my 9 1/2-carat-wont-fit-anwhere-pot/diamond ring. But he says he knows he put it there. Knows it fits and I must have moved it away from that spot. Is he insane? I am woman. I know how to fit everything with just millimeters to spare in a kitchen. He's toying with me, laughing. I got closer still. And repeated "Where's my fucking pot?" He's now hysterically laughing swearing he can't remember where he put it.

And then I remembered.

I made an enormous pot of chicken soup with dumplings two weeks ago and put what was leftover in the spare refrigerator downstairs. I prayed I had washed it in my sleep and put it away in its proper place and it was still his fault so I crept downstairs and opened the refrigerator door and.....

Crap! He can never know!


  1. Hilarious!!! I read your story to my husbands this morning while in the presence of my coveted LeCruset. The one I wanted so badly that I bought it for HIM this Christmas. I love him that much. Now if mine goes missing, it's you I will blame, lol.

    Great blog, keep up the good work!

    1. Oh no! I never considered the husband backlash aspect of this post! Will husbands everywhere be taking LeCreusets and holding them for ransom? (maybe if more than three saw my post!) And kudos to you on the very thoughtful gift you "gave" your husband. I'm sure you... I mean he... he will use it well!

      (Sorry for the late thank you but it has taken me this long to figure out how to work the reply features on Blogger. A HUGE thank you for being the first commenter on my blog! It made my day!)

  2. Hi Susan, thanks for commenting on my Facebook page. Your blog is hilarious and I can totally relate to this post! I'm constantly misplacing things and often blame the missing items on my husband and demand he tell me where they are, only to find them a while later hidden under something, in another room, in another cupboard etc. I think it must be the lack of sleep we insomniacs have to deal with!

    Andrea from Made With Pink

    1. How about when youre looking for your glasses and they magically appear right on top of your head... as if you put them there and forgot about them? Yeah, I don't think so. I think he has a machine that stops time just to screw with my keys and glasses!

  3. OMG Susan you are hysterical!!! I know where to look when I need a much needed laugh! Thanks for sharing!

    1. Well thank you for reading! Life is hysterical! I try to find the humor in the day because that's what gets me through it! ;)


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