Monday, April 16, 2012

The dinnertime ritual!

They don't stop eating. You would think you could feed them once and be done with it but no, they want more. Another meal. Another day. When does it end???

I saw this on Pinterest this week and died laughing. This thought runs through my head every single night. Every. Single. Night. You go to the grocery store. You load the cart. You unload the cart at the register. You reload the cart, go to the car and unload the cart into the car. You unload the car at home onto your countertops and then you empty all the bags and put it all away. Then you cook for half an hour. Then they eat it in 17 seconds flat. Then you clean for three hours!

What the hell happened to my life? I used to be an intelligent woman. I used to have adult conversations. I used to be fascinated by the meaning of life. Now? I just want them to not say one word about the meal in front of them... or if they do for those words to include "so grateful oh wonderful mother of mine", "love you Mom", "amazing meal Mom". Hahahaha! Ah, the joys of motherhood!

I took my little one to Michaels Crafts this week and she saw all the colored and patterned duct tape and pleaded for a few rolls and all I could think was how handy it would be at dinnertime! I bought three rolls!

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Shitty fans and fecal tributaries... it's not all shits and giggles!

It's not all shits and giggles. Sometimes it's just shit. And I don't like pretending that it's always perfect around here. I'm sorry if I have disappeared the last few weeks. It seems like it's been one thing after another of shit hitting the fan!

I'm not a winter girl... hate every single moment of below 60 degree weather. So with springs early arrival this year I expected to be swimming in glee but I seem to be swimming in a sea of funk instead.

  • Kids are sick: Overhand throw some shit right at every plan I had. 
  • Weight loss plans at a stand still: toss some shit in the general direction of the scale/fan.
  • Kitchen renovation is stalled: Windmill pitch some shit at the husband/fan. 
  • Period came two weeks early:  A hormonal girly underhand throw of the shit at everyone.
  • Lost a friend to a life complication: Dump-truck full pile of shit aimed at my heart.

I do my best to use humor to alleviate my woes, to find a moment of light in the day to make me smile. And if the humor doesn't work I grab my neighbor and open a bottle of red. And if that doesn't work I rip open a candy bar/slice off a big wedge of cake/crawl under my daughters bed to get the piece of chocolate I spotted when vacuuming. I'm not proud. Its chocolate. And it's calling my name.

But none of it is working the last few weeks. The insomnia? Don't even ask. It's an added weight on my brain. I think I've gotten two full nights of sleep out of the last 30!

So today I gave up trying to be super woman (I fail every day!) and I cracked instead. I let it all out: a tear for every time my youngest daughter has whined this week, a tear for every sarcastic thing my teenage son has hurled my way, a tear for every piece of clothing/toy/food that has been left out for me to pick up, a tear for every sleepless night, a tear for every time my husband says he'll be home early, a tear for the older reflection in the mirror mocking me. You know what I found out? The tears don't work either.

So I'm going back to humor. After I clean up all the shit.

When I was about 10 I heard this line that I never forgot: You're ascending a fecal tributary without any physical means of liquid displacement or transportation propulsion devices. Translation: you're up shits creek without a paddle! Next time you want to sound intelligent when you're crying in your wine, that is my gift to you!

In the meantime, I have some strategies for you that normally work for me when I find my way up shits creek with a fan:

  1. Bring a friend for the journey. A good friend. Because shits creek is shorter when traveling with others... and friends have paddles that get you home.
  2. Steer clear of others up shits creek. If they're regulars up shits creek they like to keep you up there with them. It's better to find someone on happy ground... who has chocolate... or a hug.
  3. Getting your period simulates the shits creek ride, so give it a day or two to figure out which ride you're on. The hormonal one will end soon!
  4. Be careful the shits creek ride doesn't pull in the rest of your family. Let them pull you out, don't pull them in.
  5. Add a detour to your shits creek ride. I like my detour to be a hike in the woods or an hour and a half massage or amazing sex or time with a friend. Usually when I go to get back on the shits creek ride it has sailed without me.
  6. Treat shits creek like "Who Wants to be a Millionaire": phone a friend, use a 50/50 to eliminate the bad ideas, or ask an expert if you've been up shits creek too long. Coincidence that those things are called "lifelines" on the show???
  7. Whatever you do, don't jump ship. There's a better path at the end of shits creek, sometimes you just have to travel through the crap to get there. Thinking you can end it early just puts a whole bunch of people you love up shits creek instead.
I hope my shitty story helps any of you traveling down the same murky waters. We're all in this together!


Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Do you do the tanning bed dance?

I'm trying to remedy the white part of the lethal beach equation:

Extreme whiteness + extreme sun = multi-layered purple blisters

So I went to a tanning salon to get my tan on. Vacation on a beach is in a month and some of you may think that's plenty of time to get a tan in, but when you're descended from the McPale's and De Blanc's you have to think ahead. Plus, I haven't been on a vacation in 4 years so I'm translucent and really should have started tanning at the salon some 17 months ago.

So I started tanning this week and as I was lying in the bed with my goggles on relaxing in the warmth I almost forgot about the dance. The dance! Do you do the dance? If your people are descended from anywhere below 44° North latitude you probably don't have a clue what I'm talking about and I spit on you! Ptooie! You people who naturally tan drive the rest of us to an envious rage. Your perfect bronzed skin sucks up 3 minutes of cloud and you walk away glowing gold perfection. The McPale clan needs months of prep time... and a dance!

You see, if I just lie there in that plastic bed, and God forbid I fall asleep, I will be left with skunk stripes down my body from where the bulbs were and weren't underneath me (in my case they're more like red candy cane stripes from more than 8 minutes of UV in one spot!). It's like my white skin refuses to give up its paleness and will only be pulled into beige if confronted with bulb-to-skin directly. And the sides of my body? There's not a chance they will see a drop of darkened melatonin from that untraviolet light just lying there. I could lie in that bed for weeks and leave for vacation looking like an Oreo with white filling down the middle.

Enter "the dance"...

I do a dance. I even time it to the club music playing at the salon. (It's at this point that I insist you listen to and even watch LMFAO's Sexy and I know It). Here are my Tan Dance 101 moves: One song finishes and I switch from my back onto my left side with my right knee up near my stomach to make sure my thighs are getting color and my right arm goes overhead to make sure my pit gets some color. And then I do little adjustments during the song so I don't stay in any one spot for too long. Next song... I switch from my left side to my right side and move my left leg up to my stomach and my left arm overhead.... and dance. Flip to my stomach and shift my face from side to side. Flip to my back.

Enter Tan Dance 201: advanced moves.

There's a very good reason you should study Tan Dance 201. Do you ever see someone bend over at the beach and notice the white banana lines under their ass cheeks? Yeah. They didn't learn the advanced moves. First lesson: you have to lift your ass cheeks up with your hands before pancaking them onto the acrylic tanning bed. BUT... you have to time this carefully because depending on your individual ratio of ass cheek meat to back meat you may be left with a crease along your lower back where the pancaked ass meat has been moved to! (Bet you didn't know we would be doing math!) This is where leg lifts come in. One leg at a time do the hokey pokey and lift your knee and lower leg up to the top part of the tanning bed and leave it hanging there in the air. Then switch! No banana lines! And..... AND... you got a workout!

Don't say you never learned anything on my blog!

By the way, there's a completely different banana-free ass dance for stand up beds! It involves turnpiking. You'll need to hang around for Tan Dance 301 to learn that! Course material requirements: Season 4 of The Jersey Shore!

Sunday, March 25, 2012

In the light of day, resveratrol is not cutting it!

Vacation! There is a little dread in that word when there is a beach involved and you've passed the age when parts stay north where they belong... as opposed to drooping south! There is a reason for the juicing madness I'm partaking in! And this is it:

Do you see that beach? That clear water? On the one hand, I cant wait. On the other hand what the hell happened to my body? Bikini? And holy whiteness batman, I need a tan before the natives kick me off the island for all the sun glare I'll create!

Then there's the bathing suit shopping! I don't know what sick man in hell invented fluorescent lights in changing rooms but he needs to be shot! And it must be a man... a divorced scorned man who likes to hear women cry! Don't they know they need to dim the lights to the level of a club at night, circa 1985 Studio 54 lighting? 'Cause that's probably the last year my body really should have been in a bikini in the light of day!

So here is my question of the day: doesn't wine count as juice? Aren't there stories about resveratrol and its anti-aging capabilities? I've sucked down the entirety of Napa Valley... resveratrol is NOT working! The body is still heading south before I get there!

Saturday, March 24, 2012

March Giveaway!

I'm feeling a little like I'm talking to myself out here and I do that enough at home with three kids, a husband and two dogs that will not stop barking. They're loud and obnoxious no matter how many times I tell them to knock it off! The dogs too! ;)  But hey, if I can't get the beings with two legs to listen how am I going to get the beings with 4 legs to do so?

So... if I'm going to blog about the above-mentioned kids and husband and dogs and how I survive them all, it would be nice to know someone is listening so I thought I would start a few giveaways to build readership.

I'm starting with something fun for the kitchen! I have a fondant rolling pin with the ring guides and a fondant smoother. They are the basics that you'll need to get started decorating a cake with fondant. You can purchase pre-made fondant to decorate a cake but there is a wonderful easy recipe from Bridget at Bake at 350 (she has the MOST amazing cookie decorating blog that you have ever seen and you should be following her... now!)

March Giveaway: Ring Guides + Rolling pin + Smoother

So here are the details on what you have to do to win this giveaway that ends on April 1, 2012:

  1. Comment on this Pinterest pin and then repin it:
  2. Click "Follow All" on my Pinterest account:
  3. Click "Like" on my Facebook fan page:

That's it! No hoops to jump through. No Pinterest boards to create. No twenty other things to pin. Just like me!!! Really like me! And if you feel like it, leave a comment below so I can hear back from you! So I can stop talking to myself!

And hey, while you're here, you could read a few of my posts! You might actually WANT to follow me! My favorite post so far is probably:

~Susan Lynn, Insomniac in the House

PS Stay tuned for the next giveaway! I have a gorgeous hobo bag!
I can't wait for April!

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

To pee or not to pee?

Did you know that when you consume nothing but raw veggie juice you pee colors of the rainbow that you've never seen in your toilet before? Did you know that even on a juicing regimen your husband will lose weight faster than you? Do you think he knows that laxatives can be concealed very well in juices and smoothies!!! Crap! That will just make him lose weight faster! Crap, crap, crap! Speaking of crap..................

So seriously, the pee! I could dye Easter eggs with the stuff! That My Strange Addiction show had a lady on who was addicted to drinking her own pee. Yup... pee! Maybe she should try eating beets! And carrots! And then kale!!! You know, for her pee... for the sake of variety!

What the hell happened to this post?! I blame the insomnia! And you! YOU read it! And you knew you weren't going to find Hamlet here!

Off to sleep... perchance to dream! ;)

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Happy Pi Day!

It's 4:24 in the morning as I write this post and I'm sitting with a bowl of melted chocolate chips and a small plate of pretzels to dip them in and thinking about pie. And pi. And why I cant sleep again when my body is screaming for it. And if I'm considering these pretzels and chocolate as breakfast today!

It's Pi Day which means it should be Pie Day which means you should run over to my Pinterest Board for all things pie and pick a recipe from one of the 200 recipes from many amazing food bloggers and food sites out there. Go! Get some pastry rolling!

Insomniac in the House Pie Board on Pinterest

Me? I've been wanting to make a black bottomed banana cream pie for about forever now and as long as my little one is feeling better I might get the chance to run to the store and pick up what I need to do just that. My girl has been sick with some sort of stomach bug since Saturday that is doing things to her that I just don't want to give you the visuals for. I handle a lot of things in life like a trooper. But put me in a room with a kid who is getting sick from one end or the other and I lose it.

Don't you want to go make pie now???

So here's the recipe I'm following... other than the Cool Whip topping. Gross. Not a fan. I don't get the stuff. Why anyone would choose it over real whipped cream I will never know! I know it's a Cooking Light recipe and the stuff is fat-free but I just can't do it! Give me the fat and the real... even if it makes me real fat! I have one exception to the Cool Whip rule which involves a fruit dip with other ingredients that make it work... but that's my only exception and I will post that recipe very soon because its amazing and so good with springs fruit that is ripening right around the corner!

Black Bottom Banana Cream Pie

Mmmmm, Black Bottom Banana Cream Pie. And I will make sure I eat exactly 3.14159265 pieces of it! And if you don't have The Best of Cooking Lights Cookbook you should really ask yourself why.

Happy Pi Day! Which pie are you going to make? Leave a comment and let me know!